Day Four – Fourth of July Edition
Posted by SmackFu Master | Posted in Random | Posted on 04-07-2009
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Ok… starting off today lightly…
Will have real food in later today perhaps or tomorrow. But for now, I’m celebrating our independence.
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The official site of David W. GoharaFeatured Post
For Men: The 24 Hour Rule
For most people who know me, there is one word in the English language they would rarely, if ever, use to describe me. That word, of course, is agreeable. In fact, for whatever reason, given the opportunity to disagree about something I usually will, even if I fully agree. An example: Random person: George Bush is an a**hole, worst President EVAH!!!! Me: Nah, Millard Fillmore was a much bigger a-rod. You have no clue what you are talking about. I don’t even know if Millard Fillmore was even really a President of the United States. What I do know is that I agree with the random person, but for the sake of being an a**hole myself. I have to disagree. There is one time, however, that I become completely agreeable. When I’m sh*t faced. Women know this (and in general know this about many men). But for me it’s a special time of vulnerability. For whatever reason, the social self defense mechanism I’ve so carefully developed and crafted over the years gets shut off. Like the Enterprise dropping it’s shields right as a Romulan warbird de-cloaks off the starboard side. Women, being the secret prowlers they are, wait for this moment to ask me to do things. And like the helpless baby gazelle surrounded by a pack of hungry lionesses I easily fall prey to them. Now that said, there are some things that I simply can’t agree to. Even during my most insanely, almost blacked-out, tripping over the air in the room, drunken state, there are a few auxiliary protection mechanisms that evolution has blessed me with. An example: Group of Women (they hunt in packs and have no shame): Hey come on, let’s go out on the dance floor. It’ll be so much fun. Me (drunk off my ass, mumbling, about to worship the porcelain god): Are you f**king crazy? Get away from me. Evil temptress. Even in that state, them trying to pull me on the dance floor, this playa simply won’t play. He doesn’t dance, never will. Similarly, you can’t convince (guilt-trip) me into calling my mom because I’ve stealthily avoided speaking to her, using a mix of caller ID, empirical analysis and spidey sense, for the the last 4 months. Ain’t gonna happen. But everything else is fair game. And it’s bad. Here are some examples of things I’ve agreed to (this is just a small, small sampling): - Going to the ballet - Going to see The English Patient - Taking a road trip to see the fall foliage in New England - Spending a wonderful day clothes shopping and being the bag holder - Agreeing to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond AND Crate Barrel and buying you those extra throw pillows, that I’ll never be allowed to touch or, horror of horrors, rest my head on. Seriously, WTF. The list goes on. And all of those things I’ve agreed to in about 0.68 seconds of being asked when drunk. Some of the things I’ve been asked, and agreed, to do are far worse. But my shame in agreeing to them means I must bury those moments of weakness in the back of mind. Forever. Never to be spoken of again, lest I become forced to turn in my testicles permanently. But I have a new weapon (well it’s actually not new, I’ve been using and refining it for the past several years). But I now present it the world, so that other men, too, may adopt it and begin using it. I know I’m not the only one to fall victim to the wiley and cunning actions of women. This has worked so well, I can drink in peace, knowing that the next day, I will not be hungover, sitting at the beauty salon, waiting for the paint on some woman’s toenails to dry so I can drive them their next mind numbingly boring activity. I present to you: The 24 Hour Rule The 24 Hour Rule is simple. It states: That anything I agree to from the time the first molecule of alcohol touches my lips to up to 24 hours AFTER the last bit of alcohol has entered my system (meaning my last drink, injection, beer bong, keg stand, steamroller, shotgun etc…), ANYTHING I agree to, I can take back and back out of. This is important. Not only am I protected while I’m drinking (admittedly when I’m most weak), I also have a buffer period while the booze clears out from my system. What happens if I start drinking again within the 24 hour period…clock restarts. Not only are the previous 24 hours protected, the next 24+ hours are also protected (remember it’s a rolling window from the time you finish your last drink). With this rule, I pretty much don’t do shit anymore (other than what I want to do, when I want to). Going to the in-laws for dinner? One shot before leaving the house will protect me nicely from being roped into anything. Mom calls and tries to trick me into coming to visit, I can pound a beer faster than she can ask. Wife asking if I want to go to dinner with her friends, on a Tuesday night, when I’d rather be watching paint dry, a nice glass of the house red will fix that before I’m guilted into agreeing. There are also some important concepts and protections to keep you safe and to keep The 24 Hour Rule from being abused. 1) First and foremost, women cannot evoke a similar rule. If you get drunk and agree to you are obligated to do it. We may let you out of it (probably not) but if we do it’s because we are merciful and good. 2) There are no loopholes. Period. Whatever silly, convoluted logic some woman tries to use to get around it, simply won’t work. They can’t, The 24 Hour Rule is a fundamental law of the Universe, as I’ve mathematically proven, but will not furnish the proof of, to anyone other than a man. Think e=mc2 type of shit. It simply works. 3) A woman does not have to, and in fact CAN’T, agree or disagree to The 24 Hour Rule for it to be in effect or legally binding. It simply is what it is. It’s a fundamental law, like the conservation of energy. There is nothing you can say, do or hope for that would revoke the inherent rights and protections The 24 Hour Rule imparts. Don’t try. The Universe may explode. 4) The 24 Hour Rule, it’s corollaries and any future derivative rules, formulations, re-evaluations, applications and so forth, are cyclical. When you are done reading and accepting the rules and it’s corollaries, you can re-read them and accept them again, thereby amplifying it’s power. 5) There can never be a female equivalent of The 24 Hour Rule (see corollaries 1-6, again it’s cyclical and inclusive and by re-reading you’ve now amplified them. Good work!). UPDATE: A question was asked on Twitter about non-drinkers and what recourse, if any they have. This is a brotherhood. You too may use The 24 Hour Rule. So I present corollary 6: 6) If you do not drink alcohol, you may either assign a drinking surrogate, whereby you are protected the same way they are for the same time period. You do not need to be acquainted with this person (so that old drunk at the end of the bar will do just nicely). If no suitable surrogate is around, you may select a non-alcoholic beverage and imbibe that as a replacement, thereby granting you the same rights and honors as your fellow partiers. So how do you use The 24 Hour Rule, you may be asking yourself? A simple example: Woman: Are you ready to head out for that romantic evening of dinner and dancing you promised me last night? You (23h59m59s after agreeing): I’m invoking The 24 Hour Rule. BOOM. And with that, you are free to resume sitting on the couch, picking your nose, while watching the Cathouse marathon on HBO. With this rule, however, comes great responsibility. You are now a shepherd of the rule. To use the title of a shitty movie, “The Constant Gardner” of it. You must protect it, and indeed be willing to sacrifice your life, your worldly possessions, your marriage and all hopes of getting laid ever again, for it. The very law, it’s meaning, the hope it brings to the downtrodden, the tired huddling masses, yearning to be free of days lost to inane activities and female rituals. You my brothers, have reclaimed your sense of being, taken ownership in your destiny and exercised your inalienable male right to be free of all ridiculous social encumbrances. I give this gift to you, and the world, in the hope that you will use it well and usher in a new era of peace and prosperity for yourself and your Monday night, porn watching, wing eating, get the f**k out of our clubhouse/fort buddies. Finally, any weak comebacks, comments or remarks made by women in regard to The 24 Hour Rule have no bearing or meaning. Period. Now please. Spread the gospel.
